Sorry for the lack of posting over the weekend; everything is absolutely okay at my end, just a very busy (in a good way) weekend! I was very lucky to spend Friday night with one of my besties and her sister at the NZ Film Festival in Christchurch; would 100% recommend!
If you’ve been following my blog for a while you probably know that in the last two years I’ve dealt with anxiety and panic attacks as a result of a crash in my mental health, to do with a lot of things. One of the biggest reasons was of course that I had a few friendship break-ups, which were not at all smooth or easy. Friendship break-ups can be anything from just falling out of touch, or just growing apart, to realising that you are in a toxic or abusive relationship; it’s sad, but it doesn’t happen to all of us. For me, it wasn’t simple, and unfortunately more than once I had to identify that I was in a really toxic and detrimental friendship, that was making me incredibly unhappy. It’s never easy, and even though I did stand up to them it went on for months and months in a very upsetting cycle. I don’t like to go into too much detail about it here on my blog because one of these ex-friends did accuse me of writing about them and trashing them on here; which I hope you all know is a total lie. This place is my outlet, of course, but I can’t stand gossiping in real life, so I certainly have no interest in bringing people to my blog I don’t even like. Part of my policy is never to name any of my friends or family, because I need to respect their anonymity; maybe one day I will, when we’re all adults, but right now this is the way it is.
The point of this post isn’t to whine and moan about how hard parts of the last two years have been. I can assure you that I am in a much better space this time this year than last year, and socially I am feeling really really happy. I have a bunch of awesome people in my life, that make me laugh and smile and sing and feel pretty darn great. After returning from Germany I wasn’t sure if I would be making any new friends in my last of school, but life had other plans. I have made so many amazing friendships this year, and gotten to know some many awesome people. It’s crazy how life can throw a random curve-ball at you that you could never predict, and have such a random outcome. I can’t even believe that I didn’t know a lot of my current friends a year ago! They are so important and pivotal in my life, and are part of my journey to work with my anxiety.
Anxiety and panic attacks suck. Big time. But over time you can and will work to know what your triggers are, and what you can do to prepare yourself, but also live your life outside of this funk. I have definitely had moments where I have just felt that maybe I won’t be able to do certain things because of my anxiety. I felt it limiting me, and what I did. Because panic attacks come in so many different shades and ways it is possible to experience one and not know what it is, or have no one notice. I had one in English this year and I know no one noticed because it was silent, and mostly internal. I managed to work my way through it, and figure out what the trigger had been. Then I talked to a couple of close friends, and simply doing that really helped. I’m someone who loves talking, so it is unsurprising that talking about it certainly a coping strategy for me.
Friends come in so many different ways, at different times, but are always welcome. I am so grateful for the beautiful, genuine, real friendships I have, new and old. I really hope that anyone who is going through a tough time can realise that whilst it sucks now it will get better! I wish I could go back and tell me from last year what I’m like now, how I feel. But I can’t so I’m telling you all, because sometimes all it takes is someone saying it to give a bit of hope.
I hope you are all having a superb week, and I would truly love to hear your thoughts and advice on this topic. You can always chat to me about it, via Instagram direct message, comments, or emailing 😉 I’m happy to help, and I hope maybe you can find some comfort in knowing you’re not alone.
You are not defined by your anxiety. We all have it. You aren’t defined by what happens to you, but how you act.
Love as always,